9 Hilarious Quotes From Christmas Movies & TV Episodes

1. "When I grow up and get married, I'm living alone!" - Kevin McAllister in Home Alone

2. "It's just nice to meet another human that shares my affinity for elf culture." - Buddy in Elf

3. "Did you fuck my mom, Santa Claus?" - Charlie Kelly in A Very Sunny Christmas

4. "Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse." - Clark Griswold in Christmas Vacation

5. Put that cookie down. NOW! - Arnold Schwarzenegger in Jingle All the Way

6. Sheldon: Oh good, Penny, you're here to exchange gifts. You'll be pleased to know that I'm prepared for whatever you have to offer.
Penny: [handing Sheldon his present] Ok, here.
Sheldon: Hmmm. [starts to open his present] I should note, I'm having some digestive distress, [Leonard shakes his head no] so if I excuse myself abruptly, don't be alarmed. [completes opening his present] Oh! A napkin.
Penny: Turn it over!
Sheldon: [becomes weak at the knees and has to sit down as he reads] "To Sheldon. Live long and prosper. Leonard Nimoy."
Penny: He came into the restaurant. Sorry the napkin's dirty, he wiped his mouth with it.
Sheldon: [gasps] I possess the DNA of Leonard Nimoy?!
Penny: Well…yeah, I guess. But look, he signed it!
Sheldon: [visibly shaking] Do you realize what this means?!?! All I need is a healthy ovum and I can grow my own Leonard Nimoy!
Penny: Okay, all I'm giving you is the napkin, Sheldon. (From The Big Bang Theory)

7. "No one can resist my Schweddy Balls!" - Pete Schweddy in Saturday Night Live

8. Frank Cross: I want to see her nipples.
Censor Lady: But this is a CHRISTMAS show.
Frank Cross: Well, I'm sure Charles Dickens would have wanted to see her nipples.
Carpenter: You can barely see them nipples.
Frank Cross: See? And these guys are REALLY looking. (From Scrooged)

9. Gangster Johnny on TV: Get down on your knees and tell me you love me!

Mr. Hector, Hotel Concierge: Um, everybody... on your knees...
[after pause]
Mr. Hector, Hotel Concierge: I love you.
Gangster Johnny on TV: You gotta do better than that!
Mr. Hector, Hotel Concierge, Mrs. Stone, Desk Clerk, Cedrick the Bellman, Officer Cliff, Security Guard: [all chorusing] I love you! (From Home Alone 2: Lost in New York)